Embracing the moments that matter (or what an Irish Ball & imposter syndrome have in common)

Framed card from Pegasus Cards (Vancouver) that sits on my desk.

 

There are so many moments in life that can seem small but upon some quiet reflection you realize they have so much in common. Here are 7 of those moments & experiences that I was able to come up with in a very short period of reflection that all have something very special in common. Read on and see if you can see the thread that binds them together.

 

  1. An email of thanks from one of my readers (who I happen to know & who is unbelievably talented) arrived recently: “I just started my new position as managing director of xyz on the executive team. It was announced to the whole team and boy, was I overwhelmed with “imposter syndrome”, definitely wondering if the team thought of me as incompetent &/or incapable! My biggest leadership challenge has always been dealing with the AME (African Male Ego). This came right on time, thank you so much. I will use my feather duster).

2. I’m redesigning/redeveloping my website & I’ve found the perfect fit with the talented Alyssa Burtt

3. I’m learning about storytelling from the gifted & magical Marsha Shandur

4. One of my all time besties just said to me ‘Isn’t it great that I have money problems. I mean that that’s all I’m really concerned about? It’s a great problem to have, it’s figure-out-able.’

5. I recently facilitated a learning forum in the Maasai Mara where hippos sung us to sleep & we drove past a pride of stately lions on the way to the dusty airstrip to fly home.

6. While in London recently, a man tapped me on the shoulder in the tube & handed me back my credit card, which I’d unknowingly just dropped.

7. Two friends & I had tickets to the Irish ball recently but at the last minute they couldn’t go. I was able to find a brand new friend & an old friend to go with me at the last minute (who were wildly disparate, had never met & got along like a house on fire). I danced all night (one of my absolutely favourite things to do) & even won a little competition.


 

What do all of these scenarios have in common?

Reasons to be grateful. Gobsmackingly, fill you up to the brim & beyond, grateful.

 

When I think of all of these events I remember people’s overwhelming capacity to be kind. I acknowledge synchronicity, mama nature & the importance of connecting (not to mention dancing). And most of all, they’re a wonderful reminder & respite in the busyness & chaos of every day life.

 

April 29th is International Dance day – I’m going to be doing a little jig of gratitude that day. Won’t you join me?

 

And be sure & share the gratitude.

 

One of the recommendations in my recent post, the C-word (confidence), recommends asking a friend or trusted colleague what you’re great at & remind yourself about all you have to be confident about.   After receiving my reader’s response to the post above (& having my heart strings tugged at her imposter-syndrome) I immediately emailed her with things I know are wonderful about her.

 

Spread the confidence, spread the gratitude.

 

 

Your turn. Take action

  • Identify 5 things you’re grateful for. Make a point of celebrating them (& you).
  • Send a note to someone and tell them how grateful you are for having them in your life.
  • April 29th is International Dance day #InternationalDanceDay – make a point of dancing to one of your favourite songs. Even better, invite a colleague or two to join you.
  • It’s easier to be grateful when you’re confident, so use this confidence building (& sharing) tool.
  • Please do leave a comment below about what you’ve got to be grateful for no matter how little or how big.
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Does a fish see the water it swims in? Identifying the assumptions you’re swimming in

 

We’ve all done it – unwittingly made a big, fat assumption that we only realize much later clouds our thinking & our way forward.

 

See if you can determine what assumptions these parents are making as they try to free their kid, who’s managed to get his head stuck in their fence. Fast forward to 2:20 to see how & who identifies the assumption & opens the way to problem solving. It will more than likely surprise you.

 

Similarly here’s a case of when I made an erroneous assumption. See if you can determine what it was.

 

Scenario: I wept big, sloppy tears & my head ached, as I laid it down on my desk. I was inconsolable. Multiple deadlines converged & the only way from here to there was to plow through & do something I intensely dislike which is write program evaluation reports. Multiple program evaluation reports. (I’m shuddering even as I write this, years later.)

I had multiple contracts, all with the same damn deadline for the same damn reports.

I loved the evaluation design & data collection – especially when it came to engaging communities challenged by drug & alcohol abuse, incarceration, mental health issues, poverty, racism etc. Over the years I’d worked side by side with participants to create ways for them to have a direct voice in the evaluation.

Over the years we’d created colorful quilts, evocative oral stories & creative scrapbooks that told the story of their involvement in the client’s program- all of which went into the final report & formed a part of the official program evaluation.

But now it was that time of year again – time to write the three reports & my shoulders felt as heavy as the rock that had settled in my stomach.

 

 

Can you identify the assumption I was making?

 

When I called a friend & colleague & relayed my woes, she pointed this (now) obvious fact to me.

 

I’d assumed that I had to write the report. While the program funder did indeed need 3 reports from me (1 from each client), it didn’t have to be me who wrote them.

 

The next day I headed to the Canadian evaluation society who happened to be having a meeting. I asked the organizer if I could make an announcement, that I was looking for someone who loved to do data analysis & write evaluation reports. She quietly turned to me & said ‘I love to do both of those things.’

 

Cut to years later & I still get weak with relief at finding the yin to my yang. She loved everything about evaluation I disliked & vice versa. To this day if evaluation is part of a contract of mine, I bring her onboard. Working with her is like taking a deep drink from a sweet water well, after having gone parched for days.

 

 

UNmaking an arse out of you & me. How to identify pesky assumptions.

 

  1. Acknowledge that you’re definitely making assumptions: Does a fish see the water it swims in? Likely not. Assumptions are so big & so many we have a tough time seeing them.

 

  1. Talk to a trusted friend or colleague: The thing is (insert marque flashing lights here for emphasis) I likely wouldn’t have thought to go searching for a report writer/data analyzer / a strategic alliance / the yin to my yang, if my original colleague & dear friend hadn’t identified the erroneous assumption I was making (that I had to write the reports all on my own).

 

  1. Find a solution & then another & another: Assumptions tend to fall by the wayside when we continue looking for solutions to problems & when we go beyond the first solution that comes to mind.

 

  1. Practice amping up your creativity: There’s a direct link between identifying assumptions & increasing your creativity. Need some tips how? Check out last week’s post.

 

 

Assumptions can stop you in your tracks in all areas of your life – next time you’re feeling stuck or overwhelmed, whether it be trying to get through a hard work project, not knowing how to deal with a difficult colleague or boss, struggling to find a better balance between home and work or how to get your head unstuck from a fence – remember there is almost never only one solution to a problem.

Your turn. Take action.

  • April 20th is National High Five day #NH5D. Make it a goal to identify at least one assumption you’ve been making that is getting in the way of more creative, resilience building solutions & give yourself a high 5 when you do.
  • Feel free to comment below about the assumptions you’ve broken & how it went. I’d love to hear.
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Amp up your creativity through these thought provoking questions

Photo Credit: Natalia Medd Flickr via Compfight cc

 

Spoiler alert: two weeks ago I wrote ‘How many sides does a circle have & other creativity provoking statements.’  I’ll answer the creativity questions in this post. Didn’t get a chance to see the first post? Check it out here first.

 

Doing more, doing better

Most of my clients are looking for ways to do better, to do more & to leave a positive impact on their communities. Part of that equation is polishing off sometimes-rusty creativity & innovation habits & skills.

I’ve found that asking creative questions is a gateway to more, overall creative thinking. Here are some of the questions I asked during a treasure hunt activity I facilitated during a learning forum in the Maasai Mara recently, this time with the answers.

  • Question:

Why are female ostriches gray & male ostriches black?

  • Answer:

Female ostriches protect their eggs during the day & gray blends in better with their daylight surroundings, while male ostriches guard the eggs at night, their feathers blending in much better with the dark.

  • Question:

How many sides does a circle have?

  • Answer:

I’ve had several answers to this one (if you know others, please add them below in the comment section): infinite, 2 (inside & outside) & if the circle is a disc, 2 (top & bottom).

  • Question:

What animal can you hear in the river by our camp (bonus points if you can imitate it)?

  • Answer:

Hippos lumbered & lounged in the water beside us. Check out a recording of the odd noise they make here.

  • Question:

What’s this → .

  • Answer

This is from Roger VonOech’s classic work. One of the most creative responses (from a child) is it’s the view that a crow gets flying over a fence post.

There’s all sorts of ways to be creative. Let the illogical leaps & bursts of unusual connections be your conduit to creative problem solving & increased productivity. Like one of the participants in the learning forum said it made for a “very productive conference.”

Need a concrete example? Thanks to reader Mark, who forwarded me this article, check out the link between saris & protection from deadly bacteria.

 

Creativity accelerators

Here are 3 specific ways to increase your creativity skills:

  1. Look for a new way to use an old item (a la the sari example above)
  2. Look for an usual way to view a commonplace item (like the . example above)
  3. Find an answer to a problem you’re facing & then find another answer & another (like the ‘how many sides does a circle have’ question above)

 

Your turn. Take action

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The C word

The C word.

 

Have it & you’ve got a protective buffer against life’s many challenges. Lack it & every challenge, like a colleague’s careless cutting remarks, stings more than a scraped knee.

 

Some people look like they’re oozing it, but often they’re only faking – like a house built without a foundation, they blunder about with hollow boasts which are often coupled with snide remarks about others.

 

Because if you don’t have it on the inside you gotta get it on the outside. Translation: if you don’t possess the C word, people often look for it in the wrong places, substituting having to have possessions instead of this thing.

 

The C word.

 

Can you guess what I’m talking about?

Confidence.

 

So many people struggle with self-confidence due to one reason or another. It would be great to get suggestions on how to improve such issues for both men and women….

 

So began the email from Aska, a reader who asked me to write about being confident & comfortable in one’s skin.

 

Lovely readers know that I take your requests seriously & this one has been rattling around in my brain like loose change in my pocket. My curiousity was piqued & I kept coming back to the issue, thinking about what could I write.

 

Fast forward as I sat cramped in our tiny plane, hot & dusty but very happy after a two day learning forum in the Maasai Mara.   My face felt like I’d grown a second skin- only this one was made of dust & dirt. Loose hairs, that had come undone from my pinned up hair, swirled around my face, refusing to lie still, while I fanned myself to keep cool.

 

I couldn’t help the grin that crept across my face as I recalled our last two days – learning on overdrive, coupled with siting’s of gorgeous wild animals while on the way to from the lodge we’d made our home. After driving from the lodge to the airstrip to fly back to Nairobi, having sited a pride of lions, I was feeling the glow of contentment.

 

Our tiny plane was lined up on the dusty airstrip, waiting in a queue to take off (we’d chartered several planes for our group). As I let my mind wander, I glanced beside me at Alice, one of the participants from the learning forum.

 

She looked relaxed, poised & regal. I smiled & said ‘you look beautiful.’  I fully expected her to make an excuse or to half-heartedly accept my compliment.  Because that’s what we often do. Oh not really. Oh but…. Not this old thing.
Or we simply turn away, tongue tied, embarrassed & unsure what to say.

 

Why is it that compliments catch our tongue & hold it firmly?

Why do we often disbelieve the compliment giver?

 

Because our confidence is shaky.

 

Not this time however. Alice turned to me & without any arrogance, like simply stating a fact; she said ‘that’s because I am a beautiful woman.’

 

Flashbulb burst in my brain. I had my blog post. But would she be willing for me to write about her?

 

I shared my idea with her & she quickly agreed to be the subject of this blog post & what’s more, she let me take her picture.

 

Meet Alice.

After taking her picture I told her I thought she looked poised & powerful.  Can you guess her response?

 

She turned once again to me & in a low, modulated, confident voice, said ‘that’s because I am a powerful woman.’

 

Bingo. Point made.

 

The next time self-doubt gnaws its way into your heart, or worry weighs your shoulders down, or your brain is on an endless repeating loop of how NOT great you are take an imaginary (or not!) feather duster & brush those unhelpful, uninvited thoughts away.

And remember:

  • you ARE powerful (even when you feel small & weak)
  • you ARE good enough (even when you feel incompetent & incapable)

 

Ask a friend or trusted colleague what you’re great at & remind yourself about all you have to be confident about.

 

And celebrate your wins.

 

Because when you’re confident, you’re more able to share your unique gifts & talents with the world. And all deities know, we all need more of that.

 

Your turn. Take action

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How many sides does a circle have & other creativity provoking statements inspired by the Maasai Mara

My morning neighbour in the Mara- a gorgeous eland

Zebra, wildebeests & elands (the largest of the antelopes) scatter as our tiny plane lands on the dirt runway. The air is heavy & loamy after the recent rains. The sky is a whorl of mauves & grays, which will soon darken to slate as the rain starts again. The safari vehicle that takes us to our camp skids sideways in the heavy mud several times, before coming to rest beside a pack of hyenas. We watch in delight as 2 adults lope off in search of something, while other adults stay behind with the fluff ball babies.

 

Safaris never get old. I’m in the Maasai Mara – Kenya’s version of Tanzania’s better known sister, the Serengeti. I’m here to facilitate a client’s learning forum.

 

I adore the Mara – something about her wide open spaces inspires creativity, a sense of awe & wonder. As the sun has now set, & the loud calls of hippos in the river beside us have been replaced with the croaks of dozens of frogs, I reflect back on the day.

 

Doing more, doing better

Most of my clients are looking for ways to do better, to do more & to leave a positive impact on their communities. Part of that equation is polishing off sometimes-rusty creativity & innovation habits & skills. Why? In order to find ways to access new & creative ideas to approach entrenched, pesky &/or intricate issues.

 

Which is why I decided to incorporate a treasure hunt at the end of our day. Teams competed to answer the most questions correctly & for their troubles, the top four were rewarded with prizes. (lovely traditional Kenyan fabric wine covers for some & chocolates for others).

 

I’ve found that asking creative questions is a gateway to overall, more creative thinking.

 

Here are some of the questions. Give them a try (and post your answers in the comments!) I’ll provide the answers in next week’s post.

 

  • Why are female ostriches gray & male ostriches black?

 

  • How many sides does a circle have?

 

  • What animal can you hear in the river by our camp (bonus points if you can imitate it) (the learning forum was at a camp – can you guess which animal kept us company in the river during the day)?

 

  • What’s this?    .

 

 

Your turn. Take action.

Here are a few fun and simple ways to get your creativity flowing.

 

P.S. Stay tuned for next week’s post where I found the perfect response to a reader’s query about how to be comfortable in our own skin.

 

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What do you do when you realize your kid’s spring break starts today & not in a week as you’ve planned?

Flashback to last week.  After a who’s on first type of conversation with a teacher, the air was sucked out of my gut faster than a cheetah chasing it’s prey & all the hairs on my arm stood at attention while I had a slight taste of bile in my mouth.

 

I had just realized I booked several international flights for family members based on the wrong dates for spring break.  School holidays started that very day, not in a week as I had planned.  My youngest was to be flying from Kenya to Canada to visit his eldest brother at university.  I had a business trip planned to London.  And my partner had booked business travel to several countries, all based on what turned out to be wrong dates.

 

(I am resisting the urge to attach the school calendar, which I frantically looked at many times, wondering if I was loosing my marbles.  Yes it said 206-2017, yes it had the spring dates I’d booked around.  Obviously dates had changed, but I didn’t know that.)

 

I’m happy & relieved to say that everything turned out.  Our youngest went from +26 Celsius to -20 Celsius & is enjoying brother time.  I’m about to head off to London & hubby has been flitting around the globe as planned.

 

But, not before major anxiety.

 

Heading: I needed a fresh new perspective & fast.

 

Check out last week’s post for how a tape measure inspired fresh insight.  While today I’ll walk you through how I gained perspective using this very messy spring break mix up as an example.  It’s based on my Life Lenses™ assessment.  Even if you haven’t taken the assessment (which I’m designing to be available online later this year), you can still get a sense of how the lenses can help you gain insight.

 

Why do we need a new perspective?  Because when something’s not working we tend to do more of whatever it is that’s not working.  We say the same thing over & over (the only variation being the level of exasperation in our voice) & don’t necessarily stop to try a new approach.

 

Here’s a few ways to look anew for fresh insight

 

First the framework.  Here are the Life Lenses™ & a brief summary of how each lens tends to see the world.  Feel free to click on the links if you want more information.

 

Where to look Which Life Lens™ does this speak to? Details
1.    Look up Mountain Life Lens™ Take a bigger, broader view
2.    Look down Carrot Life Lens™ Take a focused, detailed look
3.    Look around Journey Life Lens™ Take a look at the process, the ‘how’
4.    Look forward Destination Life Lens™ Examine where you’re headed, what your goals or objectives are
5.    Look within Stop Life Lens™ Pause, reflect, ruminate
6.    Look without Go Life Lens™ Get going, take action, try something new, jump in
7.    Look to the intangible Heart Life Lens™ Focus on what your intuition, your gut is telling you
8.    Look to the tangible Head Life Lens™ Focus on the facts, logic, information

 

 

Here’s an example of the Life Lenses™ views in action

Remember, I’d just found out that multiple international trips had been planned based on my understanding that spring break started in a week, not that very day.  Here’s how I used the lenses to help.

 

A fast call to hubbie & some heated invectives later (for the complex family plans have been as carefully orchestrated as a complicated algebraic equation) & involves the 4 of going to 3 different countries separately. So what did I do? How did I look out and beyond the situation I was in? I’ve broken it down for you:

 

Where to look Which Life Lens™ does this speak to? Details What it looks like in my example
1. Look up Mountain Life Lens™ Take a bigger, broader view When I was cursing on the phone to my hubbie, I was careful to tell him that no one was hurt, no one had died & while I was thoroughly frustrated we’d figure this out – while this was not a great a situation, the big picture was that everything, in general, was ok.
2. Look down Carrot Life Lens™ Take a focused, detailed look He took on the details– contacting airlines to see what was possible to change at this late date.
3. Look around Journey Life Lens™ Take a look at the process, the how Our original plan involved all of us traveling so the change was a pretty big deal. We needed a new plan so my husband took on contacting our other son in Montreal, to see if a longer visit would work (our younger son is visiting our older one; yeah for brother time!)
4. Look forward Destination Life Lens™ Examine where you’re headed, what your goals or objectives are I drafted an email to the school to figure out how we got to this point to make sure it doesn’t happen again (my goal)
5. Look within Stop Life Lens™ Pause, reflect, ruminate I was reeling & pretty angry so I elected to pause & not send the email right away.  I’ll come back to it later & then send it.
6. Look without Go Life Lens™ Get going, take action, try something new, jump in I’ll send the (likely edited) email in a few days – I’ll be ready to take action and move on.
7. Look to the intangible Heart Life Lens™ Focus on what your intuition, your gut is telling you My youngest doesn’t always react well to last minute change so I was careful how I frame this ‘opportunity’ to him and I had faith in my abilities to convey this news in the right way to him.
8. Look to the tangible Head Life Lens™ Focus on the facts, logic, information The tickets will get sorted & everyone will have a great spring break.

 

Your turn. Take action

 

  • Review the lenses & determine which ones you’re most comfortable with
  • Pick a sticky situation, something you need to get new insight on.  Then try looking the opposite way you normally do.  For example if you’re a big picture, Mountain Life Lens™ try looking down & examining systems & details.  If you tend to look to the tangible, Head Life Lens™, try seeing what your intuition has to say.
  • Please let me know how it goes, in the comment section below or by emailing me.  I’d love to hear.
  • I invite you to send me three words that describe how you feel about conflict. One reader said: polarized, tense, pressure cooker.  What are your words?  Simply click on this link to submit your 3 words.  And feel free to share the link if you’ like.  I’ll turn the responses into a spiffy piece of art in an upcoming post.  (And don’t worry, it’s all anonymous.)
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How can a tape measure inspire insight & a fresh perspective?

It smelled like a pungent, loamy forest encased in a single, mysterious room. To this day I remember the smell of sawdust in that forbidden room of my childhood memories.

 

My dad was a master hobby woodworker – he had a magical room chock a block full of electric saws, nails & screws in all shapes & sizes. The wild & wonderful hand tools dangling from a pegboard on the wall looked like puppets eagerly waiting to be picked up & played with.

 

Only girls were most decidedly not allowed in this kingdom. So I’d wait for quiet, surreptitious moments to sneak in & take a look around this place, so close yet so far, in our family basement room.

 

Maybe I was drawing on his DNA, while moving about with stealth, as he was a spy for his day job. Who knows? All I knew is that I loved being in that room.

 

How a tape measure inspires insight

 

Today I’m nowhere close to being a master carpenter, but my toolbox does include a couple of tape measures.

 

Which made me sit up & pay attention when I saw this video about unusual, oft undiscovered features in said tape measures. Who knew the jiggly metal end bit of a tape measure is both a way to mark your measure when no one’s around to help or you don’t have a pencil at hand & that same loose, jiggly bit when pulled taut, creates a precise measure.

 

There’s a lesson there – insight is to be gained from taking a new look at an old itch, scratching it to gain a new view.

 

Take your own measure & look for new insight

 

Ever feel like you’re stuck in the same old, same old? Spinning your wheels with no time to research, take a course, or pay for therapy (or a massage for that matter)?

 

Here’s how the metal, jiggly bit found on tape measures just might help.

 

Sometimes all it takes is a new perspective – a new way of viewing the situation & low, the solution is right there in front of your face. (Insert a dusty poof of magical sawdust here.) Like looking anew at the jiggle end bit on tape measures with a new perspective.

 

When something’s not working we tend to do more of whatever it is that’s not working. We say the same thing over & over (the only variation being the level of exasperation in our voice) & don’t necessarily stop to try a new approach.

 

So give it a go.

 

What’s bugging you in your life that could use a fresh perspective?

 

Need some prompts?  Here are some examples, based on issues a client raised at a two day team building retreat I just designed & delivered for them:

  • Challenges with transparency at work
  • Lack of communication with stakeholders (people &/or organizations that have an impact on or impacted by, your work)
  • Poor communication (e.g. between work teams)
  • Giving & receiving feedback
  • Lack of accountability

 

For now, it’s enough to simply identify 1 or 2 things that are bugging you & could use a fresh perspective. Next week I’ll give you some simple ways to bring on that insight.

 

And, in the meantime, if there’s a particular example you’d like me to use next week, please leave a comment below or email me.  I’d love to hear from you.

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Conflict resolution scripts designed to reduce overwhelm & amp up your ease

Photo Credit: raganmd Flickr via Compfight cc

To throw, catch & keep in the air, several things simultaneously.

Recognize what word that’s a definition for?  Do you recognize yourself in it?  I hope so because you’re probably a master at doing it.

That’s the definition of juggling.

Overwhelm with a capital O

Juggling all you need to do for your work, your family, your community & yourself can be overwhelming.  Enter Overwhelm, with a capital O.

And when differences & misunderstandings arise, it can make the overwhelm ramp up faster than the monkey who visits my yard from time to time, can shimmy up to my second story kitchen through an open window & steal my mangos if I’m not careful.

Differences & misunderstandings can also make us drop the balls we’re juggling – because it’s hard to keep your eye on the ball when you’re freaking out (whether or not anybody can tell you’re having a meltdown based on that sarcastic comment from your so-called colleague, the multiple & conflicting deadlines you’re facing, the uncomfortable shoes you wore to work today, the call you just took saying that your kid is sick etc.)

A recipe for ease – some helpful scripts for conflict resolution

Enter some ease.  Pluuuueeze.

That’s why when I came across some scripts for conflict resolution from HBR’s (Harvard Business Review) Virtual Collaboration 20 minute manager series, my brain snapped to attention.

The next time you’re juggling multiple things & on top of it all facing conflict, with your supervisor, a colleague or someone else, think about using one of the following scripts, which are aimed at understanding differences:

  • I’m sensing a gap in how we think about ________.  What’s going on there?
  • You seem concerned about _______.  Can you help me understand what’s driving that?
  • I’m concerned about _______, but you don’t seem to be.  Can yo help me understand why not?
  • The _____ aspect of this work is the most challenging for me right now (or is taking the most time).  What about you?

And just how can this make life easier for you? How can you expect to feel with practicing these tips? I’ll leave you with these words from a reader who emailed me recently.

Hey Lee Anne,

Just a quick note to let you know how much I enjoyed this post and the two step suggestion on conflict resolution as well. It is an art and these simple tools are invaluable – just need to remember to breathe, think and then speak in times they are necessary (minus road ranting of course..)

Wish you well.

Jana

Take action

  • If you find yourself facing a conflict, try one of the scripts.  Which one did you use?  How did it go?  Feel free to share in the comment section below.
  • As with last week, I invite you to send me three words that describe how you feel about conflict. One reader said: polarized, tense, pressure cooker.  What are your words?  Simply click on this link to submit your 3 words.  And feel free to share the link if you’ like.  I’ll turn the responses into a spiffy piece of art in an upcoming post.  (And don’t worry, it’s all anonymous.)

 

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Understanding differences – 5 simple words that can lead to conflict resolution

Photo Credit: Fiorelisa Flickr via Compfight cc

I leap out of my seat involuntarily while clamping my teeth together only slightly less hard than I’m pressing my lips together because I’m afraid what I’ll say if I open my mouth. My throat feels like it’s narrower than a pin though, so I’m not sure I could speak.  My breathing is shallow & fast.  I fear my face is fiery red.

 

Conflict.  It leaves a long trail.  Even though decades have passed, I still remember how I felt when I was having a meeting with my (insert various descriptive invectives) colleague & boss.  My colleague, who was anything but collegial, had just let loose with a whopper of a lie about me.

 

Are you facing some conflict or uneasy, unnamed tension at work & feel like you wish you had some better tools for managing those conversations?   Conflict often gives us what a friend of mine calls ‘sick pit’ – that awful feeling in your stomach that makes you want to run & hide under the covers. Read on for 5 simple words that can help you stay strong & lead you towards conflict resolution (plus a much better feeling in your stomach).

 

5 words that can lead to conflict resolution

Conflict – love it or hate it – it’s inevitable.

 

I often use these 5 words to help me wade through differences. For example when I’m working with a client trying to understand what type of training they’re wanting or with a participant in a workshop, these simple words open a world of understanding & tend to build bridges instead of walls.

 

The 5 words are simply ‘can you help me understand ______?’

 

Here are some examples:

  • can you help me understand how you see the situation?
  • can you help me understand how you think we got to this place?
  • can you help me understand what role you think I’ve played in the conflict?
  • can you help me understand how you’d like to move forward?
  • can you help me understand what a successful resolution would look like for you?

 

It’s effective because it doesn’t place blame & it comes from a true sense of curiosity.  Enquiring minds want to know.

 

Next time you find yourself in a situation where things feel awkward, uncomfortable or you’re trying to get past a roadblock try it.  And let me know how it goes.

 

Stay tuned for some conflict resolution scripts from the Harvard Business Review

Need a bit more help?  Stay tuned for next week’s blog post which will introduce you to some helpful scripts for conflict resolution – straight out of the Harvard Business Review Virtual Collaboration book.

 

And remember, the next time conflict rears it’s head take a deep breath & try one of the scripts from the section above —> ‘can you help me understand _______?

 

Then listen.  Really listen.

 

And keep breathing.

 

How does conflict make you feel?

I invite you to send me three words that describe how you feel about conflict.  Simply click on this link to submit your three words.  Feel free to share the link if you’ like.  I’ll turn the responses into a spiffy piece of art in an upcoming post.  (And don’t worry, it’s all anonymous.)

 

 

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What needs birthing by you? What needs midwifing?

Photo Credit: torbakhopper Flickr via Compfight cc

‘There are some types of victories that need to be midwifed, good things come from very far’ says Peninah, in response to a recent post of mine.  Another reader Vera, recently wrote me about being intrigued with the magic & miracle of birth.

Voila a theme plus an idea for a blog post.

Birthing.  Midwifing.

Birthing

Late last year I organized a small group of creative, entrepreneurial colleagues & friends for an in-person planning day which was virtually led by the ever-helpful Lara Wellman.  It was a great way to reflect on the year that had just passed & to plan for what each of us wanted to create & birth in the year to come.

I was, & continue to be, inspired & energized to plan a year that is tailor-made for me.  From genesis to fully formed – thinking about the seeds I wanted to plant & the projects I wanted to grow.

Birthing’s super power partner –> midwifing

A midwife is someone who ‘assists (a woman) during childbirth.’  To midwife also means to ‘bring into being.’

I used the services of a midwife for my second pregnancy.  Some 15 years after my son’s birth I still remember how important those visits with her were, especially as shortly before my son’s birth, both my beloved Nana & my dad passed away.  I vividly remember the feel of the soft red velvet covered couch where I could lay my large, pregnant body as she coached, supported, listened & focused on me having a safe, healthy birth.

There are parallels with creating & birthing.  New ideas, projects, areas of focus, learning etc. can easily get mislaid, off track or plain forgotten about if they’re not midwifed throughout the year.

It’s one thing to figure out what you’d like to have unfurl this year, it’s another thing to stay focused & make that happen.

 

Enter tools to help you midwife your project, idea etc.

After the planning day, I realized I was going to need some support tracking my priorities & my progress if they were going to be born & flourish.

So I started playing around with creating some simple, customized tracking tools.  At least that’s what I’d started to call them.  Now, thanks to Peninah, I think of them more as midwifery tools.

Tools to help me continue to grow & develop my business &  myself.

 

Tell me what you’re birthing &/or midwifing & I’ll send you some tools to help you

I’d love to hear what challenges you face with midwifing (bringing into being) your ideas & projects.  What comes easily?  What’s challenging? Do you use any tools for midwifing / tracking your progress?  If so which ones?

Comment in the section below or send me an email (laragan ‘at’ rpsinc.ca) & I’ll send you the daily & weekly midwifery tools I’ve designed.

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